


On your hook

by Stulot



Category: Emmerdale, robron
Genre: Emmerdale - Freeform, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-03-17
Updated: 2015-03-17
Packaged: 2018-03-18 09:22:53
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 7,826
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3564473
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Stulot/pseuds/Stulot
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Summary: Robert finds a broken Aaron and takes him to the hospital. Robert struggles between his feelings for Aaron and his commitment to Chrissie and all of his jumbled thoughts.</p>
            </blockquote>





	On your hook

**Author's Note:**

> A couple of weeks ago I saw a post about wanting to see Aaron in hospital and Robert going out of his mind. (Well, I've seen that prompt a few times really) I started plotting it, and then came all the new spoilers (marathon /accidents/the beating) and this might just have turned out more canon than I thought when I started writing it. It takes place sometime after the beating and we mostly see things from Robert's POV. 
> 
> TW for self-harm.

The door opened and Robert jerked his head up, the abrupt sound was a welcome distraction from the silence that so far was only broken by his own heart thudding hard and the clock on the wall which ticks appeared as shrieks into his ear. To his anguish, the person popping their head in wasn't looking for him. The door clicked as it shut again and Robert's head fell back down. 

He wrung his hands repeatedly, unable to stop himself. It was the only thing that managed to keep him calm. If he just kept looking down at them, letting one finger cross the other, twisting them together over and over again in a consistent pattern he could keep his focus. He could keep his sanity. 

Nervously, he kept bobbing his one leg up and down ever so slightly. He didn't do nervous. He was Robert Sugden, he was invincible. Nothing could touch him, or no one, he thought and clenched his jaw harder. Up til the last few weeks nothing scared him and nothing faced him. But things had changed. This, he didn't know how to handle, he was out of his depth.

There was a sudden vibration in his pocket, saving him from his jumbled thoughts, and he picked up his phone: Chrissie. 

Poor, innocent Chrissie. He didn't deserve her. Even after showing up with cuts and bruises he'd managed to keep her out of this chaos. More lies on top of the others. 

He should have gone with them on Lawrence's stupid trip. Then maybe none of this would have happened. He'd been drinking mojitos in the sun, not a dark cloud in sight and no trouble on the horizon. 

He wouldn't be here, sitting in an uncomfortable blue creaking chair, in a hospital, waiting for the shitstorm to arrive. 

All because he'd felt the need, the obligation, to stay, to stay home, to keep his eyes open. If he didn't, then who would? 

\--

"Here they are! Local heroes!" Paddy bellowed as he entered the pub, followed by Aaron and Chas in their training gear. 

Aaron frowned at Paddy. "Charity race Paddy. Doubt that make us heroes" 

"Doesn't matter, you were brilliant" he chuckled, trying to pinch Aaron's cheeks who squirmed away.

”Get off!” he smiled at the big doofus. 

"Aww cheers. You coming with us next time then?" Chas teased and made her way to the nearest bar stool, stiff legs to carry her. 

"Me? Uhm, no." Paddy slammed his hat on the bar. "Right, three pints please Diane. And whatever they're having" he joked. 

"Let me get them Diane, to say well done" Robert offered from the end at the bar. 

Chas glanced at him with a frown. "Nah, you're alright thanks". 

Aaron caught the annoyed looks between his mum and Robert, immediately seething of annoyance over the fact that she could never drop things. "Forget the drink. I need a shower" Aaron excused himself and quickly walked towards the back, nearly brushing against Robert's shoulder before he disappeared behind the bar. 

Momentarily, he stopped close to the door, listening if he could hear them say anything else but thankfully Paddy seemed to do the talking. 

Today had actually been a good day, one of the better in a really long time. To his joy, he'd surprisingly managed to block out all the bad that was going on in his life and just run, and for a few hours he hadn't felt so bad about himself. The finishing line had been the goal, nothing else, and he had crossed it with his mother on his side. 

He should have known the feeling wouldn't be longed lived. Of course faith wouldn't let him feel good long enough to remotely start to heal. Of course Robert had to be the first one he would notice in the pub. Of course his mother had to give him evil eyes. He knew she just wanted his best, but she could never see when she just made things worse. 

What was even the point of trying anymore, he thought as he opened the door to the hall. If punches, bloody feet and vomiting couldn't stop him, what would? He stared at the stairway and the back door. There was a choice to be made here. Maybe he should just give in and stop deluding himself that things would ever feel fine again. Maybe he was destined to run?

\---

Irritated, Robert grabbed his car keys and headed outside. It was obvious no one wanted him there, after a few digs from Lisa and Debby regarding Lachlan he felt less than welcome. It wasn't his fault that brat went around spreading lies. It wasn't his fault his wife's mind was too clouded to see it. 

It had been stupid to offer to pay for their drinks, he'd known it before he even did it. But he couldn't stop himself, he'd gotten so caught up in the smile on Aaron. It was something he hadn't seen for so long and every fiber in him screamed to be part of it. He should have known it would backfire. It always did.

Unlocking the car, he looked around the village, the grey houses staring back at him. This place seemed to cause him nothing but grief. He'd done alright for himself being away from here, he'd managed all by his own, without any family to offer him support. His life had been good and for the first time, a little less complicated. Had it been up to him, this place should have been kept a distant memory but he'd been manipulated to come here, by Lawrence, and if he was honest, by Chrissie too. They always stuck together. None of them had been able to see what idiots Lachlan made of them. "Pack your bags", that's what she'd suggested when he hadn't backed her up at once. Well, maybe he should. Maybe he should just leave again. Because the only person who made life at the mansion and in the village exciting and bearable didn't want anything to do with him anymore. The words of his hadn't fully convinced him but his fist to his jaw had. Even though he'd offered himself, it had hurt more than he cared to admit, not so much physically as mentally. Not only his ego but something deeper, something within that he couldn't pinpoint. Lying there on the cold and muddy ground, taking each punch so filled with hate he had wanted to cry, fight back, hit himself as well or capture Aaron in his arms and hug the pain away but he hadn't, he'd been still, taken it all until there was blood in his eyes and the taste of metal in his mouth. 

Every morning he saw the fading scar across his eyebrow he was reminded of it. Reminded of how much all the hate and hurt still lingered and wrapped itself around them. That's why he'd wanted to share Aaron's smile. He needed it. Desperately.

He shook himself out of the thoughts, there was really no point in dwelling on it, he would have to focus on his marriage from now on. After all, that was the only thing that was going to get him all that he had ever wanted. A big house, a successful career, a gorgeous wife. That would prove to them once and for all that he wasn't that screwed up kid anymore. Prove to the village itself that he was better than that. Even prove it to himself. 

Before he could though, there was one thing that had to change, he had to erase what was constantly gnawing at his mind. Him. The promise he had made to himself to look after him had to be broken, before his soundness would vanish too. There was really nothing more he could do for him now. 

However, forgetting Aaron wouldn't prove as easy as it sounded for when he opened the car door he spotted him coming from the garage, running again. What the hell was he playing at? Robert frowned.

Robert looked at him run down the road to his left before disappearing behind the houses. Eerily, he turned his head to the right, reviewing the road that would lead him home, a less complicated path. Contemplating his options, there was really just one right choice to make, erasing Aaron from his mind had to wait. 

Hastily, he got into the car and followed him. 

\---

Forward, forward, forward. Just a little longer. One foot in front of the other. You can do this. Nothing hurts. Ignore all pain. Just do your job. It's easy. You can do it. 

The mantra was set on repeat in his mind as he ran onto the gravelled road, further and further away from the village, away from his head. 

He was breathing heavier than he'd ever done before, coughing, but it couldn't be helped, the race hadn't been enough. Nothing ever turned out to be enough to clear his head these days. All he could do was try an outrun his thoughts. Run until it hurt so much that the pain consumed him, until that was all he could focus on. Only then would he get the release he so desperately needed. 

But no matter for how long or far he ran, running could just help him so much, he realized that now, that's why he had to do it. This would be better. It had worked in the past, it would work again. 

This would make them go away, stop them from playing in his head, taunting him. Laughing at him. Poor little messed up Aaron. No one could know what he was going through, he'd made sure of that. He'd made sure he would fall for him. Made sure he'd love him enough to keep quiet. 

His panting was so heavy he hadn't heard the car approaching from behind. It seemed to follow him but he couldn't concentrate on that now. He just needed to repeat his mantra and push on. Forget the pain, forget his bleeding body. Just. Push. Harder. 

\--

Robert bit his lip and took another deep breath, trying to ease his anxious mind. Seeing the broken body running in front of him was harder than he'd imagined and he fought to keep a tear from falling. He wanted to jump out of the car, run up to him and scream in his face to stop but the fear of making things worse held him glued to his seat. If it hadn't worked before, it was unlikely it would now he thought dejectedly. 

For the last ten minutes he'd been slowly following him, like a hunter followed its prey. At first he could keep the car at a steady pace behind him but now, as he ran slower and slower, he stopped the car, waited until he was a few meters ahead and then drove after, only to repeat the procedure. Like a cat playing with a mouse. There wasn't anything else he could do for him other than watch him. He knew Aaron hated him being here. He'd begged him to stop but how could he? He knew Aaron ignored him but he couldn't do the same back. He couldn't just stand by and watch him break himself. So, he followed, as quiet as possible. Just like all the other times. 

He pushed the brakes again, watched Aaron's increasingly wobbling steps make their slow way down the road. His hands tensed around the steering wheel and his heart skipped a beat as Aaron's foot took a wrong step and he was almost about to fall but saved himself in the last second, arms waving for balance. Frightened to look on, Robert let his hand stroke his face, simultaneously wiping away the tear that pushed forward. It was like seeing a hurt animal, like one of the deers his father had shot when he was a kid, or one of the cows they had to slaughter at the farm. The way, even though they were doomed, tried to rise, tried to fight their way back to life, refusing to accept their mortality. 

But this wasn't an animal. It was Aaron. And he had been the one that had shot him. 

\--

Please stop. No, just a little longer. It's ok, you can do that. Please. Remember, one foot at a time. Stop. Come on. No. Yes you can. Please... Go faster again. Just... Now, get going. Now! Stop.

His legs faltered underneath him, his knees breaking, and before his mind had the chance to register what happened, he could feel grass and gravel against his cheek. For a fleeting moment he couldn't help smile at the smell of dirt and the sight of his scraped hand. Somewhere in the distant he could hear a car door slam and fast steps approaching. He needed to get up. Don't let him see you like this he urged to himself. 

"Aaron!" Robert rushed towards him, pushing down his shoulder, not allowing him to stand. "Just stay where you are" With trembling hands he searched Aaron's jacket. "Where the hell is your water?"

"There's no water" Aaron slurred. 

"What the hell is wrong with you?! You need water you idiot!" he yelled in panic, fully aware that this wasn't about the water. 

Aaron pushed away his prodding hands. "Just go home Robert" he said in a voice that wasn't strong enough to persuade anyone.

"Right, we need to get you in my car, I'll take you to the portacabin, you can rest there. No one needs to see you, it'll be ok" he spoke determined, but his hitched voice and shaky hands brushing away the dirt on Aaron's clothes weren't as convincing. He went over to the car and opened its passenger door, anything to make things easier for Aaron to get in. As he turned back he could see Aaron on all four, pushing himself off of the ground. "Good, come on, the car is right here" he said and tried leading Aaron in the right direction. 

"Get off me. I'm not going anywhere with you" he hissed through gritted teeth and disentangled himself from Robert's arm. He hadn't run this far for it to be destroyed, if he just kept moving he'd be ok, eventually. 

Robert shook his head in despair as he looked on as Aaron continued his staggering steps away from him. He couldn't believe what a stubborn idiot he was being. "Let me help you!" he shouted after him but was returned with silence. 

After only a few meters, Aaron suddenly stopped, coughing hard as he put his hands on his knees and hung his head low. Robert took the opportunity to approach him again. "Please just get into the car" he pleaded, motioning for the vehicle. "You can't keep running".

Aaron, nearly unnoticeable, shook his head. ”Yes I can” he whispered. ”I have to”. 

"Come on Aaron, I want to help you". His voice was at this point small and vulnerable, something it had been very few times before. He reached his hand out "Please".

"Just...go" The words were hard to form and his tongue difficult to move as his mouth felt drier than the Sahara. 

Tears were brimming Robert's eyes by now. "I can't leave you here, not like this" he tried explaining. 

Aaron snorted his answer. That was all the energy he had left, barely managing to keep his eyes open. 

A long silence filled the air between them, Aaron fighting to catch his breath and Robert contemplating on what to do. That's when he saw it, the blood, breaking through the fabric of Aaron's sneakers. "What have you done?" he questioned, wanting to yell but only a very faint voice came out of him. Instant worry shot through him like an infected arrow. Right, that was it, he'd get him in the car even if he had to drag him in there. "Come on" he said demanding and pulled at Aaron's jacket. 

"Don't" Aaron flinched back, accidentally causing a gap between trousers and top, revealing skin he didn't want to show. 

"What..." Aaron's torso didn't go Robert unnoticed. Red, it had been red he thought and in panic he grabbed his jacket with more force this time. "What have you done?!" he shouted.

"Get off me!!" Aaron screamed back. Using what little energy he had left, he tried fighting away Robert's hands. "Get off!!"

"Not until you show me!" Robert screamed and took every punch Aaron tried giving him. It didn't matter, he was going to see the truth even if it left them both black and blue. Falling to the ground with Aaron under him, he finally managed to get one of Aaron's arms under his knee, leaving him left fighting with one hand. 

"You're killing me!" Aaron yelled, fighting to get loose. "You're killing me!" His screams were shrill and echoed through the tall trees around them. Hopeless words that the forest engulfed, assuring they wouldn't be heard further. 

Robert grabbed the hem of Aaron's jacket and sweater and yanked them away, immediately leaping to his feet, away from Aaron at what he saw. "Oh jeez! No! No!" he screamed desperately, pulling at the hair of the back of his head. The sight was like taking a knife in the stomach and he felt sick. Quickly, he was back on his knees, trying to capture Aaron's face, holding it with more affection than he even thought he had in him. "What have you done hey? What have you done?" he asked gently, trying to hide his desperation behind a faltering smile. He tried snaking an arm around his waist but Aaron kept slipping away from his grip. "Please, we need to get you to a hospital. Please please" he pleaded as Aaron kept moving away from him. 

Until he stopped moving. Until he stopped struggling. Until he stopped making noises of discomfort. 

Until the bullet had defeated him. 

"Aaron?" Robert whispered at the still body before him. "Aaron!" he panicked and lightly slapped his face without any response. "Aaron! Come on! You think you can do this to me huh! You think I keep my eyes on you so you can do this? Well it's not happening!" he screamed as he dialed the emergency number and checked his pulse that thankfully was still there, albeit weak. It took a few long seconds before the operator came on and he could explain the emergency. 

He looked at his sports car and back at Aaron. If he drove rather than wait for an ambulance they'd get there twice as fast. 

"Forget the ambulance, just be ready for us" he said and hurriedly hung up, before dropping to his knees and pressed in his arms under Aaron's lifeless body. "I got you, it's gonna be ok" he said as he pushed his legs straight. Either his adrenaline was pumping and he couldn't feel his weight or all the running had caused him to lose several pounds, either way, Aaron felt lighter than the last time he'd tried lifting him, in the barn, when things had still been playful and not as..fucked up. 

With some effort he got him secured in the seat and ran around to his side, revving the engine and drove away as fast as he had ever driven before. 

\--

"You ok?"

Robert jumped at the question, his eyes shifting away from his hands "Huh?" 

"Are you ok?" Adam repeated and looked worriedly at Robert's nervous behaviour. "You hate hospitals or something?"

"You what?" Robert stared at Adam, he was still so clueless. He really was thick. If Katie had been brainless Barbie, he sure was Ken. 

"Look, Chas and Paddy will be here any minute, you get off if you want, I'm staying so..." he let the imply hang in the air, hoping Robert would catch it. He wasn't really sure why he would still hang around, especially since he seemed to wanting to be elsewhere. He was grateful he had found Aaron in time, that he had called him but it wasn't like they were friends or anything, he didn't need to be here. 

"Yeah" Robert nodded distressed, feeling his phone buzzing again. "I'm gonna take this" he said and made himself scarce from the waiting room. Well outside, he ignored Chrissie's second call. 

A little further down the corridor he could see Chas and Paddy rushing up to the nurses' station and the nurse who had first treated Aaron take them aside. 

Reluctantly, he approached them, hoping there would be some new information. That maybe this was all a bad dream and the blood had really been from the scrapes of falling. 

"He was suffering from severe dehydration and overexertion. We've put him on an IV, given him some fluids, and he's resting now" the nurse explained before Chas' worried voice cut her off. 

"When can we take him home?"

"Considering the circumstances we feel it's best we keep him here for a couple of nights, have the psychiatrist talk to him" the nurse calmly continued. Her bedside manner was impeccable. 

"Psychiatrist? Sorry, I'm not following" Chas shook her head in confusion. 

"I'm sorry. I assumed he filled you in" the nurse nodded at Robert who stood a few steps behind them, causing Chas and Paddy to turn to him. 

"Told me what exactly!?" Chas asked sternly. 

"Ms. Dingle, we found severe cuts on your son's body, a few which required stitches"

"Oh my god." she said, face turning white. 

"Is he alright?" Paddy asked, voice full of worry. 

"He's admitted they were self-inflicted and he agreed to staying for a few days" The nurse placed a kind hand on Chas' arm. ”That's a very good step”. 

"Paddy, oh my god. No no no. Not again"

The nurse gave them a gentle smile. "Physically, he's going to be ok but I'd recommend you get him some help as soon as possible" she handed them a few pamphlets. "I'll let you know when you can see him" she said and returned to the station. 

Chas turned back to face Robert and without hesitation gave him a hard slap across the face. "This is your fault! I told you to stay away but you couldn't even do that for him could you! If you cared even the slightest you'd respect that".

"Chas calm down, come on" Paddy tried ushering her towards the waiting room. 

"I won't calm down until he is gone" she said pointing her finger at Robert. 

"I have every right to be here" Robert insisted, jaw clenched. 

"Sorry but no, you really don't" It was Paddy's turn to be outraged now. "You're not his parent, his family, his friend" he counted on his fingers. "You're no one. So just go home Robert".

"You heard him. You're no one. You're just pathetic" Chas hissed. 

"Well at least I'm not the one slicing myself to bits for the attention!" He angrily closed his eyes, why the fuck did he say that? This wasn't Bar West. He knew better. He'd read up on it. 

"Attention? It's not about attention. If it were, how come I don't know about it, or Paddy, or anyone for that matter!" Chas yelled. 

"Because you're too busy giving him grief! And if I care so little, how come I'm the only one who realized what was going on?" He stared at them, waiting for an answer. "Huh? No?"

Chas ignored his question. "If we gave him grief it's because of you. It's not about attention. It's about releasing pain because it's so great he can't take it anymore." At this point, Chas was crying. "The last time he did it was after Jackson died so I don't know what the hell you've done to him but it's gotta be more than that he likes a married man. Whatever it is, just stay away, he doesn't need someone like you in his life to poison it. Just stay away Robert. Go home to your wife and leave us alone. We don't want you here".

"What the hell are you all doing?" Adam who had just emerged from the waiting room after hearing raised voices, looked confused between them. 

"Oh just wake up Adam!" Chas cried and pushed her way past him, into the waiting room, Paddy following suit. 

Adam looked at them leaving, confusion written in his frown, and back to the distraught face on Robert as he leaned against the wall. "Fuck" he said, letting his hands squeeze the nape of his neck. "Fuck".

"Congrats" Robert said bitterly. 

"How long?"

Robert shot him a glance, did it really matter? "Long enough that you wouldn't have a scrap yard if it weren't for Aaron and I wanting to see each other without raising suspicions, me investing was the perfect plan!" He smiled in annoyance and opened his arms to the air. He knew he was being an ass, but he didn't care. He just needed Adam to back away. 

Adam turned his eyes away, snorting. "Vic told me about you, you know".

"Oh yeah" Robert said defiant and fisted his hands, feeling ready to punch something. 

"Yeah" Adam stared him up and down. "Told me what a pillock you used to be, what a user. I guess you still are" He shook his head. "Can't believe I went into business with you" he said, backing away. 

Realizing Adam was about to leave, he desperately called out "You can't tell her". Victoria couldn't be part of this mess. She was one of the few who still had some faith in him and he didn't want her to see the awful truth of what he really was. At least he could spare her from that. 

Adam bit his tongue. "I won't. But not for your sake. For her sake. And Aaron's. They don't need the hassle" Adam shook his head at him again, giving away a look of disappointment before he too went back to the waiting room. 

A disappointment. That's what he was. What he had been his whole life. So much so that having him as the only son hadn't been enough for his parents, they had to get Andy. Perfect Andy who could do nothing wrong. He, was easier to get rid of. He had been sent away. He'd been a disappointment to Katie, even up to the point that her blood was on his hands. 

It was this place. This place that made him the way he was. He never wanted to come back but Lawrence had done it just to spite him. He was a disappointment to him too, being not nearly good enough for his daughter. That's why he had to stage the robbery, if he hadn't forced him to do it he wouldn't be in this mess. He would be snuggled up to Chrissie in a hotel room right now, Katie would still be alive, his brother wouldn't be on suicide watch and Aaron would just be the grumpy mechanic in the village. He wouldn't be lying here, broken and damaged. It was all Lawrence's fault, if he and the rest could have a bit more faith in him things like these wouldn't happen. They made him into the cruel person that he was. They all did. 

There was just one person who didn't. Who instead turned him better. But he hated him. Robert didn't blame him. He hated himself too. Aaron deserved more, so much more than he could give him. He had never meant for any of this to happen, it was just supposed to be a one off, a fun distraction from the condescending voices at Home Farm. No matter what he did, he was treated as a kid. He shouldn't have to fight so hard to be their equal. Deep down, he knew he'd never be. They would never treat him as one and they would never accept him as one. The only one who accepted him, faults and all, was Aaron. Even after the way he had used him, he still came back for more. He was more loyal than what was good for him. Robert knew he would never have done the same if the roles had been reversed and that realization caused the guilt to pile on. 

So why did he? Why did he keep coming back? Because he loved him, that's what he'd said. He had been nothing but his honest, awful true self with him and yet, he loved him? With no promises of ever getting anything than a small piece of him whenever he could get away, he loved him? He had thought it had been a cheap trick at first, trying to keep him from getting married but the heavy tears on Aaron's cheeks had told their own story. 

The idea of loving another man was still strange to him. Lust after them, yes. But love? That was a whole different concept. He loved Chrissie. And Katie once. Women. Women who gave him pleasure and comfort, who gave him respect and admiration among his peers. How could loving a man ever give him that? 

Robert suddenly shivered. 'Because I love you, that's why. And I think you feel the same'. The words echoed in his mind. Even during his vows to Chrissie they had. Every day he tried ignoring them, tried pushing them away but like an untreated infection they kept crawling back. 'I think you feel the same', it taunted him, up to the point where it disgusted him. He had tried telling Aaron he must be wrong, that he couldn't feel the way he did but he would have none of it. 

He couldn't feel the same. He wouldn't. Besides, it didn't matter if he did or not. It wasn't as if he could divorce Chrissie, lose everything he'd fought so hard for just to set up house with Aaron. The idea of it was ridiculous. They already laughed at him. He wouldn't give them the satisfaction. The best he could do was to forget about him. That's what he had to do. 

'Because I love you. That's why' The words echoed again as he picked up his phone and dialled Chrissie's number. 'And I think you feel the same'.

"Come on now, pick up" Robert begged into the phone. He needed her voice, needed the distraction only her voice could give him. If he could just get that, everything would be ok, he could focus on her voice and he could walk out of here and never look back. It was possible. He'd done what he could for him, it was enough now, it was time to get him out of his mind. 

"Hello?" 

Robert's heart plummeted as he heard Lawrence's voice. He plastered on a smile, trying his best to mask the tremble in his own. "Hi'ya, is Chrissie there? She phoned me before".

"Yeah we were wondering where you were" Lawrence kept his voice steady, a hint of suspicion behind it. "She's at the hotel spa, asked me to watch her phone for her".

"Ok, well tell her that I called and that I..." Love her?

"Tell her what?" the elder man sounded bored. 

Robert pinched the bridge of his nose. "Nevermind. I gotta go".

"Right. Oh and Robert, don't forget to send out the invoices" he said and hung up. 

It was probably the fifth time he had reminded him of them. Frustrated, he tapped the phone to his forehead. When would he be anything else than a kid to him? Was it even worth trying? 

Maybe the best thing to do was to get out of Emmerdale. Take Chrissie and start over. Away from everyone and everything. Before it would get worse. Pack their bags and forget everything. That might just be the best way to save them all. 

Suddenly, there was a hand on his shoulder and Adam made him jump for the second time that day. 

"We just saw him, he's still asleep”.

"So?" Robert's defence mode was immediately activated. 

Adam cocked a brow, sighing slightly as he ran his fingers through his beard. "Look, stand there pretending all you like, but my mate isn't in here if something" he paused, searching for the right word but the problem was he had no idea what he was supposed to make of it all "... more wasn't going on. And you sure as hell wouldn't still be skulking about. Chas and Paddy are down in the cafeteria. I'd reckon you have about fifteen minutes" Adam looked at him with a tensed facial expression. "Don't make me regret this" he said and hurried away before Robert even had a chance to react. 

\---

The room was dim and peaceful and Robert closed the door carefully behind him, afraid to disrupt the silence. Reluctant to enter, he kept his hand on the handle. The blinds let through enough light for him to see the outlines of Aaron's body, his face was turned away from the door, shoulders slumped and waist narrow. His still body. Only this time it wasn't the frightening body on the side of the road, the hurt body that had left blood marks in his car, the desperate body that had clung to his arm when the nurses had tried helping him. 

The images would haunt him. 

This time it was a calm body and he was afraid to disturb it. Afraid that if he moved away from the door he'd hurt it further. In here, he couldn't wring his hands, bob his knees, he had to be quiet, had to listen to the slow quiet breaths he'd only heard once before, in that hotel room. He wished he could rip down the walls and change the room's costume into a different room, a happier room. That's what he wanted, to have his arm slung across Aaron's warm body again, listening to his infatuating snoozing. That was the only kind of dark he wanted to be in. 

Standing here, the memories were as distant as they could be and for each minute he kept looking at this version of Aaron he could feel them getting away, his fingertips unable to hold back as they slipped through them. A wave of subtle trembles spread like wildfire throughout his body, eventually erupting into heavy shakes. He didn't deserve to be here. This was all his fault. 

"Why are you here?" 

The voice was so hushed Robert wasn't sure if it was real or a projection of his own mind. He curled his fingers into two fists, squeezing his thumbs hard, trying to prevent his unsteady demeanor. "Sorry, didn't know you were awake" he said to Aaron's back as he hadn't turned for his question. 

"Why are you here?" Aaron repeated, voice slow and tired. 

"Wanted to see how you are" Robert fought to make his voice as cheerful and positive as possible. But how could he, when there was nothing positive about this, he was grasping at crumbling straws. "Adam told me you were sleeping. He and your mum and Paddy were here, they're down.."

"I know" Aaron interrupted him. 

"Oh" Robert figured he must have pretended to sleep in front of them. 

"Didn't want to talk to them" Aaron explained. 

"Right" Robert nodded to himself. Did he want to talk to him? He couldn't imagine himself as the most comforting option. "So, how are you feeling?" He rolled his eyes at himself. Such a stupid cliché-filled question. 

No answer came and there was a big void in the silence that wanted to pull him in, like a tornado that could sweep him away to a place where he'd be able to escape and disappear reality. But he refused to be a coward. Drawing new oxygen into his lungs, he mustered all his courage and left his place at the door, taking a few steps into the room, rounding the bed so he could see his face. There was a hard tug to his heart as he saw him, hollow eyes staring into the white wall in front of him, hands twisted in the blanket, knees drawn closer to his chest. 

He opened his mouth a few times to speak but stopped himself every time. All he could think of sounded trivial in his head. Useless, pointless. What was there really left to say? There was nothing he could possible say to make this better. 

"Could you please just go" Aaron insisted quietly, more as a statement than a question. 

"I don't want to leave you, not like this" Robert gripped the post at the end of the bed, he needed something steady to hold on to, afraid if he didn't, he'd fall.

"I'll be fine" The words rolled out heavy and thick from his mouth. 

Robert took the armchair behind him and pulled it a bit closer to the bed and sat down. "Well I'm not leaving" he challenged, he would have none of Aaron's false reassurances. 

"Go home Robert. Please. I can't see you. Not like this" He fought to keep the words steady. 

It was dark, but Robert could have sworn a tear left Aaron's right eye and another wave of guilt crashed over him. He tensed his whole face, swallowing hard to prevent himself from losing it. He might pretend in front of the others, but what was the point of pretending for Aaron anymore? There was no energy left in him to do so. "I'm sorry. I'm so sorry". The words came out more cracked and broken than intended and if he'd just sat a little bit closer he could have reached for Aaron's hand but instead he held them close to his churning stomach. 

"You don't know anything"

"I know you deserve more than me. I'm not what you need" he tried convincing both of them.

"You're right. I do deserve more than this" he said, fleetingly sweeping his eyes across the room, avoiding to look at Robert. "But don't pretend to know what I need". 

"I'm sorry". 

Aaron kept staring at the wall, seemingly unaffected by Robert's apologizes. "Why are you still around?"

Quickly, and without thinking, Robert spoke "Because..." I care about you? he thought and changed his mind. He swallowed. He didn't want to, he wanted to erase him so badly because the thought of feeling something else scared him more than anything had ever done in his life. "Because I'm on your hook and I can't get away" he stared at Aaron, searching for some sort of reaction, but his face and body remained stoic. It was as close as he had ever come to admitting his feelings and he meant every word. Aaron had him captured, mesmerized, whether it be of guilt or of love, he still couldn't figure out. 

"I tried letting you off it. I still am. You should learn to listen" he mumbled. 

Robert knew he was referring to the break up a few weeks ago. 'You won't be hearing from me'. Turns out, Aaron had been just as strong as he had claimed. He had been the weak one, he had been the one not able to keep away, despite Chas' warnings. 

Robert shook his head, gazing down at the floor, shivering. It was now or never. "That's just it. I...Aaron...I don't want to be let off your hook. I don't want to never be able to feel the way I feel when I'm with you. If anything frightens me in this world, that's it. Feeling the way I do and the thought of losing that feeling. I want to erase you, forget you ever existed, but I can't because I'm better with you, we both know I am and I can't do this without you anymore".

For the first time since he'd entered, Aaron looked at him, eyes weary. "You're married Robert". 

It wasn't the reminder that he wanted to hear, not when he had come this far. The cold words made his guts wrench and he thought he would be sick. "I know. But we can make it work, somehow I..."

Aaron pushed himself higher up on the pillow. "Stop. Please just stop" he wiped away a tear, he didn't want to hear it anymore. He didn't want to hear the empty apologies and false promises. "Why can't you understand how toxic you are for me? I mean look around Robert, why do you think I ended up here?" 

Robert nodded slowly in understanding, lips shivering. "Don't hate me". He couldn't bare the thought of Aaron hating him as well. People always ended up hating him. 

"Then just go, before it's too late"

"I can't" he whispered. 

"You have to" Through anguish, Aaron's annoyance rose, why couldn't he just do what he was told for once. 

"No. No" Robert shook his head. "You can't just lie there calling all the shots. You can't decide for me. You don't know what's in my head"

"Then tell me!!" Aaron pushed himself up on one arm and yelled as hard as he possible could. "Tell me! I told you it's over. I can't do this anymore! You can't keep coming back. It's too hard. It's just too hard Robert!"

The sudden outburst threw Robert off his trail of thoughts and he was taken aback by the words that still seemed to bounce about in the room. With anger in his eyes, Aaron kept staring at him, his chest heaving in defiance, as if he was prepared to defend himself for the next move that might come. As if he was waiting for the next punch, the next comeback. 

"It's not as easy for me as it is for you!" Robert yelled back, forcefully standing up, nearly tipping the chair over. Hurt filled him as he paced the room. Why couldn't he love like other people seemed to love? In that unconditional way with no strings attached. Why couldn't it be as easy? "You can't say something like that on my wedding day! Do you know how messed up that is?! Do you know how it keeps repeating itself in my head?!" he said, tapping his temple repeatedly. 

"No more messed up than the rest of your twisted little life" Aaron's voice leaked of bitterness. 

Robert stopped at the end of the bed, staring at Aaron. He couldn't read him, not like he used to be able to. "When you broke us off, I said you don't know what goes on inside my head, so please stop pretending that you do".

"I'll stop, when you stop" Aaron's voice was calmer again. Exhausted. "Pretending".

"Aaron" he expressed desperately and grabbed his hand fiercely, instantly feeling a jolt through his heart. It was like lifeline, as a last hope. Searching Aaron's eyes that kept looking at him, he tried desperately to make sense of it all. Tried to see those eyes that had once shown so bright but now they seemed torn and dead. How had they come to this? He'd do anything to get those eyes back. If he could only make him see how much he meant to him. "I..." love you? He stopped himself, mouth still hanging open from the words that wouldn't roll off his tongue, confused expression upon his face. This couldn't be love, it had to be something else. Love didn't feel this painful. Love was supposed to feel joyous and easy, not this complicated. "I'm sorry" he said and let Aaron's hand go just as quickly as he had caught it, causing a whole other wave of emotions to roll through. The deep hurt he saw in Aaron's eyes was too much to bare. That look of pure disappointment. It was all down to him. He caused him all that pain. And it was more than he could take. The longer he stayed, the more the feeling of disgust for himself grew. Like a nasty cancerous growth that made its way to all parts of his body. To places and feelings he'd never used before. 

"I have to go" he stuttered and hurriedly rushed outside. He could feel the tiny whimper and the tears he left behind, they hacked into his stomach, until there was only a black hole left. The air itself choked him and the ground underneath him was ripped away. 

With his whole body trembling he somehow managed to move down the corridor. Somehow managed to find a corner in which the ever so composed Robert Sugden broke down. Where he couldn't stop himself from crying, from wrapping his arms around him, from sliding down to the floor, from biting his fist in a desperate attempt to stop himself. But nothing could stop him now. His whole body shook, and he had to fight just to breathe. His vision was blurry from tears and his face messy from snot and saliva. But he couldn't care less. Nothing mattered anymore. The only thing that had he'd destroyed. 

'If you love someone, set them free'. He wished he could. Wished he could take away all of Aaron's demons that made him hurt himself. Set him free and release him from the pain that he had caused and inflicted on him. He had thought so many times about telling him the whole truth of what had happened at Wylie's, how nothing of it was Aaron's fault. But the fear of making everything worse always stopped him because he also knew no matter what he said, Aaron would always blame himself for being the one who had brought her there. He could never take that away. 

Through eyes thick with tears he could envision peeling himself off of the floor, walk back to Aaron's room, climb into his bed, wrap him up in his arms, cry into his neck and never letting go. Hold on hard like a chain to an anchor that had rooted itself at the bottom of the sea. If Aaron was his anchor then his past and all the people in his life was on the boat trying to pull him away. They could stretch him to his limits as they usually did but even metal chains eventually broke. Although, how could you break something that was already so broken? He wanted to drown, drown in the sea that was Aaron and never come up for air. 

Why couldn't he say those three words back? He couldn't keep on fooling himself any longer, deep down he knew exactly the word for all his feelings, this hurt could be nothing but love. But he had a wife now, he had commitments. It wasn't so simple. He was trapped in a life he'd chased after. And for what? To live a perfect life based on lies?

It was the game he had chosen, the dice he had thrown. Now, he had to play it.

**Author's Note:**

> This is the hardest one I've written and I struggled a lot more with it than I usually do with a story. Not sure why.  
> It's a bit messy at places, but I also think that reflects the mess they are in and all the turmoil that happens in Robert's head. 
> 
> Would love to hear what you think! 
> 
> Here's the playlist I used when writing:  
> https://www.youtube.com/playlist?list=PLBnY_jZ2k7NnEWPUXtvuW1tKcff0zusWF


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